


Breaking Through

by gestaltrose



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amnesia, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-21
Updated: 2011-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-15 20:12:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gestaltrose/pseuds/gestaltrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen has an accident, loses his memory, will he remember what he’s lost before it’s gone forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Through

“Oh come on, ice fishing, really?” Jensen whined.

Jared shook his head as he packed up his tackle box. “Dude you promised me, anything,”

“I thought it would be a blow job or something. Are you sure I can’t?” Jensen looked at Jared's crotch.

“Later, maybe. You know I’ve never been and you keep talking about what a great time you had going out with Kim and the guys. About how you caught that big trout and I wanna see if I can’t catch something.” Jared grabbed their coats and thrust Jensen’s at him.

They had a few days relief from filming and Jared wanted to do something that Jensen liked doing. Thus the ice fishing trip. For a guy from Texas, Jensen took to winter like a duck to water. He liked skiing, sledding, snowshoeing and next week he was going to go dog sledding. Jared couldn’t ever get warm enough in the winter and mostly just wanted to stay inside.

“You don’t have to. . .” Jensen offered.

“Come on,” Jared said shrugging into his coat. “Let’s go.” Jared grabbed their tackle and headed out the door. Kim had told him directions to this great spot, secluded and quiet. He would go ice fishing and if he was lucky maybe get a blow job too.

They drove for a couple of hours before Jared found the lake that Kim had told him about. It was frozen over nicely and there were already a couple of shacks out on the ice. Jared led the way with Jensen complaining until they found a spot to fish. He helped Jared to cut a hole in the ice.

“I don’t like the way this is cracking here,” Jensen said.

“Look,” Jared pointed out the two shacks on the ice. “Kim said they don’t put those out unless the ice is over a foot thick.

“It’s that thick, it’s just. . .” Jensen started but Jared interrupted.

“It’ll be fine then, you worry too much,” Jared said as he set up stools for both of them. “You know they sometimes have stoves in those shacks. . . if it’s thick enough for that. . .”

“Fine, fine,” Jensen said. “I’m a worry wort.”

“You’re the one who’s done this before. If you really think we should move. . .” Jared offered.

“Nah, you’re right,” Jensen said and started to get out his tackle. They put their poles together and baited their hooks letting them drop into the hole in the ice. Fishing for a while Jared let his pole droop a little and then he got a bite.

He whooped and stood up, startling Jensen who fell backwards off of his stool, landing with a crack. Laughing Jared moved to help Jensen up, still holding his pole and trying to not get his line tangled with Jensen’s. There was a louder crack and Jared felt the ice shift under his feet. He watched with horror as the ice cracked and broke around Jensen. The look of utter panic on Jensen’s face would haunt Jared’s dreams forever.

“Jen!” Jared yelled and reached for his friend, his lover. Jensen knew he was going into the water and he pushed Jared away, at least that’s what Jared figured out later. All Jared knew was that he was on his ass and Jensen was gone.

“No!” Jared screamed and lay down, stretching trying to get his hands on Jensen. He panicked as he couldn’t feel anything in the icy cold of the water. Then his fingers caught the edge of Jensen's coat and Jared tightened his grip on it. He pulled up and felt the ice start to give under his arm. He pulled upwards, his hand aching with the cold and shoulder burning, trying to lift Jensen out of the water. He could feel the water soaking into his coat.

Jared knew he only had one chance to get this right. He pulled and Jensen slowly came up, he was unconscious or something because he wasn’t helping Jared at all. Trying not to think about how long it was, how long this was taking him, he pulled. Jared got a hold of Jensen’s coat with his other hand and he pulled. Slowly Jensen came out of the water. Ice formed on his sleeve, and then more of him as he lifted Jensen out.

Jared was quickly loosing strength, the cold water sapping his energy, but he had to save Jensen and with a huge heave he pulled him from the water. Losing hope as he saw Jensen’s unresponsiveness, Jared rolled him over. Jensen’s face was pale and his lips blue. Oh god, what was he supposed to do? Panicking for a moment, Jared then got up and hooking his arms under Jensen’s he dragged him closer to shore stopping only when gravel was crunching under his feet. Jared started CPR just like they had been taught.

Maybe there was hope. He breathed into Jensen’s mouth turning his head to watch and feel the air leave Jen’s lungs. He did it again and then after listening and feeling for a heartbeat he did chest compressions. Dialing 911 on his phone he gave Jensen another breath before someone answered.

“911 what is your emergency?” A cool voice said on the other end of the line.

“Drowning, help me,” Jared pleaded before giving Jensen another breath.

Managing not to hyperventilate and talk to the 911 operator and still give Jensen CPR was a challenge but he wasn’t going to let Jensen down.

“We’ve got a chopper dispatched, it will be there soon, just keep doing what you’re doing,” the operator told him after he said where they were.

Jared paused and felt again for a pulse, nothing. More chest compressions, more breathing. Jared thought it was weird the kind of things he thought about while he was trying to breathe for Jensen. It wasn’t about how Jensen might be dead, it was about how pretty the ice looked frozen to his thick lashes. Jared had always teased Jensen about his long eye lashes. He would give anything if Jensen would just open his eyes one more time.

He felt the chopper before he realized he was hearing it. Looking around he realized either the chopper would land on the ice (not much of a chance of that) or they would have to land over by the road where there was a small parking lot. Bending his head and taking another breath, he kept up with the CPR. Then there were hands dragging him away, someone was stripping Jensen, they were connecting wires and stuff and all Jared could think of doing was grabbing Jensen’s clothes.

“You did a good job son, now stay back,” an EMT told him. Older man, graying hair a little bald on the top. Jared's brain wouldn’t stop cataloging every moment.

“Is he?” Jared couldn’t finish the sentence, he couldn’t ask if Jensen was dead.

“No heartbeat,” someone called out and Jared choked on his tears. This couldn’t be happening, not to Jensen.

“Get him to the chopper,” someone else said and they picked him up and started to carry him off. Jensen was leaving him. Falling to his knees he stared at the coat in his hands, he pulled it up to his face and _smelled_. Jensen. . .

Jared knew his first aid. There was no way Jensen was still alive. No heartbeat after all that time. . .

******

Jensen woke up and froze, he didn’t recognize where he was. The last thing he remembered was talking with his mom about going to LA; he wanted to be an actor like Dad. What the hell had happened? A nurse walked in and Jensen smiled at her.

“Oh, you’re awake. I’ll get the doctor,” she said and left.

Moments later the doctor came in with the nurse. “Ah so you woke up. Can you tell me your name?”

“Jensen Ackles,” Jensen responded.

“Where are you from, Jensen?” the doc asked.

“Dallas, Texas sir.”

“Can you tell me what year it is?

 

“1997.” Jensen watched as the doctor and nurse exchanged a glance.

“Do you know where you are?”

“Hospital?” Jensen said quietly -- there was something going on here.

“What town?” the doctor asked another question.

“Dallas?” he guessed.

“You’re in Vancouver, British Colombia. You were medevac’ed here three days ago. You came in with no id and apparently your friend didn’t give the medics a number where he could be reached,” the doctor said calmly.

“What is going on?” Jensen asked, confused as to why he would be in Vancouver of all places. He had a job waiting for him in LA.

“I have some news for you, it’s not 1997 it’s 2007.”

What? Ten years? He had lost ten years? What had happened? “I need to make a phone call,” Jensen said. “To Texas,” he clarified.

“Sure,” the doctor said. “Don’t worry about the memory loss, it happens in these cases sometimes. It could come back.” The doctor handed him a small thing and Jensen looked at it. The nurse recognized his problem and came over to help.

“Do you want me to dial?”

“Please?” Jensen said and then told her his mom’s number. She handed the phone (it was a phone!) to Jensen and he held it up to his ear, listening to it ring. Ten years. What could have changed in ten years? His family could have moved. He closed his eyes and prayed that someone he knew would pick up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Mom?”

There was a crash and then someone else was on the phone. “Hello? Who is this?”

“Dad? It’s Jenny.”

“But Jared said… Jenny. Oh my God, Jenny. Where are you?”

Jensen looked at the nurse who was close enough to hear the exchange. She pushed a note card with the hospital information on it to him. He gave his dad the information and then his dad was yelling at someone.

“Mac,” Dad said and Jensen remembered his sister; short with pigtails and her one true passion, soccer. Now she would be. . .nineteen. Holy fuck. “It’s Jensen, he’s alive. We’ve got to get up there. Book a flight now. Have you talked to Jared?” his dad asked him.

“Who’s Jared?” Jensen asked.

The nurse took the phone. “Mr. Ackles? Jensen suffered some memory loss and we have no information on him. Okay, hold on,” the nurse got a pen and started taking notes.

“Jared Padalecki, okay and number? Got it, anyone else? Kripke? Number? Thank you Mr. Ackles, yes we are doing everything we can for your son. You may want to call before you get in, he might be released. Thank you.” She held the phone back out to Jensen. “Do you want to say goodbye?”

“Yeah,” Jensen said and held the phone up to his ear.

“It’ll be okay, Jenny,” his dad said to him. Jensen felt a sudden urge to cry. “Call Jared, please?”

“’kay,” Jensen said feeling very small. “Bye dad.”

“Bye Jenny, I love you son,” his dad said and then there was silence on the phone. The nurse took the phone away from him.

“I’ll call Mr. Padalecki, he’s got all of your information.”

“Did my dad say who he was?” Jensen asked.

“No, honey, he didn’t but you can ask him when he gets here.” She dialed the phone and walked out of the room talking quietly. Jensen could hear someone on the phone say, “He’s alive?” and then the door shut behind her.

Twenty minutes later there was a very tall man that Jensen didn’t recognize in his room.

“They said you don’t remember me,” the guy walked slowly into the room, hesitant. The way he stared at Jensen made him uncomfortable.

“No,” Jensen said.

“Jared, I’m Jared. I thought you were dead. . .I called the morgue a thousand times. I think they thought I was crazy. Oh my God man, I am so glad you are all right,” he put his hand on Jensen’s and Jensen flinched. Jared pulled his hand back.

“What do you remember?” Jared asked.

“Nothing,” Jensen said. “I don’t know you. I don’t know why I’m here. Canada for fuckings sake. I was supposed to go to Los Angeles, I was, I am an actor.” His voice got steadily louder.

At first Jared looked hurt and then he looked more and more panicked as Jensen lost control. “Dude, you need to calm down. You almost. . .” he choked up and then coughed. “Did you want me to tell you what has been going on?”

Jensen, tight lipped, nodded.

“What is the last thing you remember?”

“I was going to leave for LA tomorrow, I was going for my final call back. Even if I didn’t get that part I was going to stay,” Jensen said and bit back all of the other words filling his mouth. Like how he **had** to be someone because he always felt like no one unless he was acting. How terrified he was of failure. Jensen was confused as to why he wanted to tell this guy everything.

Jared grabbed a chair and sat down. “Okay. You moved to LA, got the job,” Jared said. “That led to other parts. You became friends with Chris Kane, do you remember him?” Jared asked.

Jensen shook his head. He didn’t remember anything.

“It’s okay,” Jared said again sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than Jensen. “You always thought it was funny that the both of you were from Dallas but you didn’t meet until you got to LA,” Jared sounded wistful. “There was a stint on Days of Our Lives, you lived in a crappy apartment that was semi-close to the studio so you could walk. At least until you became so recognizable from the show that the producers wanted you to move.”

“Ring a bell?” Jared asked him.

Jensen again shook his head.

“You ended up working on Smallville; a show they film here in Vancouver. A few years ago you read for Eric Kripke for a new show called Supernatural. It’s about two brothers who go around hunting evil things. Anyway Eric had you pegged as Sam until I came in and read. Then he asked you if you would mind playing Dean. The two of us work for Kripke filming the show here.”

Jensen sat with a confused look on his face, none of this sounded familiar. None of it felt right. “Listen, I’m sorry but I don’t. . .”

“We went out ice fishing, there was an accident. You fell through the ice,” Jared said his face pale. “I did CPR until the paramedics were there but you never responded. I thought you died.” He looked up at Jensen and Jensen just shook his head. Nothing sounded right, or remotely familiar.

“We're lovers,” Jared blurted out and then looked like he wished he hadn’t.

Jensen turned his head to look at Jared. It had been so important to him to hide the part of himself that was attracted to men he never imagined a time when he could actually be with someone. Terror filled him, what if. . .what if. . .worse and worse scenarios played themselves out in his head. He shook his head.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said. . . I was so afraid. . .you’re alive.” The last was said with a wistfulness and longing that made Jensen want to go to Jared. That scared him more than anything else, what if what this guy said was true? “The doctors said you could go. Do you want to go home?”

“Home?” Jensen said trying to get his brain settled on one subject. “Where you and I. . .” Jensen couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Yeah, but you’ve got your own room. We were friends and roommates first. You don’t have to be with me, just come home. Please?” Jared looked so adorable and sad. Jensen said yes.

Jared started bouncing around the room until he realized Jensen wouldn’t get dressed with him there. “Here,” Jared handed Jensen some sweats and a t-shirt.

“Thanks,” Jensen said.

Jared stepped outside and Jensen got dressed, his hands shaking slightly. Jensen could feel Jared’s eyes looked him up and down after he came back in. Pushing a hand though his hair, he looked at Jared.

“Ready?” Jared asked and Jensen nodded. Jared had taken care of the paperwork or something because they just walked out.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said to Jared after they were both seated in the car. “I don’t remember you. I’m not gay.”

Jared looked at Jensen with an unreadable expression on his face before he started the car and drove them to his house.

Jensen looked out at the houses they passed. Ten years. . . it was scary that that much time had gone by. He remembered, what the hell did he remember? Who was president? Easy, Bill Clinton. He wondered who was president now. Did he vote? Did he care? How long had he been gay? Okay correct that, how long had he been out? Was he out? Did his parents know?

Every thought that was racing through his head skidded to a stop as they pulled into a parking space outside a quiet rambler. “Home,” Jared said quietly and got out of the car. Jensen got out too and stood watching as Jared’s shoulders slumped as if he were carrying a great weight. He seemed to shake himself off. “Sadie, Harley,” Jared called out as he entered the gate.

Two dogs came barreling around the corner of the house. “Look who’s home. Your favorite person,” Jared told them as the dogs came sniffing around Jensen. At Jensen’s look of confusion Jared told him which was which. Jensen liked dogs, always had, and these two apparently liked him. The jumped and barked and wiggled around so he could hardly pet one of them let alone both. The dogs obviously knew him but it worried him more and more.

This was true, ten years of his life, gone. Like that. He sighed. He just wanted something familiar and none of this was. Following Jared into the house, Jensen looked around. A large slab table was the first thing he saw. He ran his hand across the smooth honey colored wood. Jared waited in the doorway as Jensen explored. Not looking at Jared even though he could feel him staring at him, Jensen walked into the living room. Tan and brown furniture covered with blankets and dog hair, he noticed. There were pictures on the wall above the sofa along with a mirror.

Looking into the mirror, he recognized himself. A closer look showed more freckles and he had wrinkles starting at the corner of his eyes. For some reason he hoped they were from smiling. He saw pictures of himself and Jared, smiling, happy. It was weird seeing himself and not recognizing the context of the pictures. They were pictures of some other Jensen.

There was one picture where he and Jared were holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes in front of a guy that looked vaguely familiar. “We were married, last May,” Jared said. “Of course it’s not legal in most of the states but you were determined to make a bride out of me.” Jared smiled sadly at Jensen.

“My parents?” Jensen asked.

“They know we’re close. You didn’t want to upset them so they think we’re just friends, best friends.”

Jensen had a sudden fear that everyone knew his business, knew that he liked guys. He looked Jared over, at least he had good taste. “You said I’ve got a room here? We’re not… we don’t?” Fuck he couldn’t even ask the damn question.

“Yeah, we did,” Jared said quietly. “You’ve got a room because sometimes we’d come home at different times and we’d need to be at the set at different times. So you would crash in your room. Wanna see?” The eagerness on Jared’s face made him want to cry. He wasn’t who this guy thought he was, and seeing a room wasn’t going to bring back his memory.

“Sure,” Jensen said and followed Jared out of the room and down a hall after giving the pictures one last look.

“About this job. . .” Jensen started to say.

“Kripke says take your time, we. . .I thought you were dead. Everyone is just glad you’re alive.”

“And Kripke is who again?” Jensen asked feeling like everything was getting away from him.

“Our boss, the executive producer on the show,” Jared said answering Jensen’s questions patiently and pushing the door to his room open.

“Am I an actor then?” He asked hopefully.

Jared nodded.

“Okay,” Jensen said. “I’m sorry I don’t remember,” he added as he walked past the tall man into what was supposed to be his room.

“You’ve done nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry,” Jared said. Jensen took a look at his room. Bed was made, deep green bedspread over a king sized bed. Walnut paneling and light tan carpet, the thick drapes over the window were the same green as the bedspread. He could see a dresser and another door. “Your clothes,” Jared said opening a closet and point to the dresser. “Our bathroom,” Jared said and opened the other door. It led to a huge bathroom, sunken tub with skylights, large shower and two sinks. There was a door straight across from him. “That’s our, I mean my room.” Jared nodded in the direction of the other door. “I’m sorry, it’s hard.”

“I could stay somewhere else. . .a motel?” he offered.

“No!” Jared said and Jensen jumped. “I mean, you should be here. It’s your home too, maybe something will be familiar,” Jared almost pleaded.

Jensen again felt the weight of his forgotten years pushing down on him, he needed something. “Tired,” he said.

“Of course,” Jared said. “I’ll get you for dinner,” he nodded at the bed, “you rest, okay?”

Jensen nodded and flopped on the bed after Jared left. It was perfect, soft bed, firm pillows. Maybe if he went to sleep he would wake up and this would just have been a bad dream.

******

When Jared had heard that Jensen was alive he had been shocked. His legs collapsed underneath him and he sat down hard. Jensen was alive! He was filled with a joy that not even the nurse telling him Jensen didn’t remember could put a damper on. Of course Jensen would remember him, he just needed to see Jared and he would remember.

His heart broke at the look on Jensen’s face. There was no joyful reunion. Jensen couldn’t remember the last ten years of his life. He didn’t remember the joy and the pains, he didn’t remember Jared. He almost cried right there. Jensen was alive, that was what was important.

He and Jensen had been lovers for a couple of years. Sandy had been kind enough to play his girlfriend, even agreeing to pretend to be his fiancé when the press was snooping around him and Jensen. It worked but unfortunately they hadn’t let his family in on the secret. They still didn’t know how close he and Jensen were. Jensen had known, of course that it was just a sham of a engagement. Poor Sandy, she was so sweet. He and Jensen had spent more than a few hours discussing what they could do to pay her back. She had given up a lot for them.

They had planned the break up to look like they had mutually decided it wouldn’t work. Along with rumors that Jared had messed around on Sandy, it left her in a good position, with her friends and fans. Even Jared’s family loved her still. It had been the least he could do for her.

Sadie and Harley remembered Jensen, falling all over themselves to be the first one petted. Jared could see that Jensen didn’t remember them. Hope that something at home would spark a memory died when Jensen stared at the picture of them and Jeff on their wedding day. Jensen was ten years in the past it had only been in the last two years that he had come to terms with his sexuality and then asked Jared to marry him.

Neither one of them wanted to hurt their families so they were best friends, not lovers. Best friends, not spouses. Jensen wasn’t or hadn’t been ashamed of him and Jared had been proud to say the words that joined them together but, right now, it wasn’t or hadn’t been a good time to tell anyone. Now it was looking like that part of his life was over, unless some miracle happened, Jensen didn’t love him.

Jared sank to the floor in the kitchen after he saw Jensen to his room. Sadie and Harley were there shoving their noses in his face as he cried. He sobbed quietly holding his dogs. Finally he pushed himself up, he had dinner to make and a house to clean because Jensen’s dad was on his way.

Three days later Jared couldn’t breathe as he stood over his kitchen sink trying to wash dishes. Jensen was gone. Gone! He left with Alan and Mackenzie. He didn’t remember Jared and him being together. He didn’t remember Jared at all. Jared sniffed a snotty sniff, tears and snot mingling on his face. It felt like his life was over. It felt like Jensen **had** died.

He was out of Jared’s life. Jensen had insisted on going home to Texas, even though everyone, even his doctor, said he might regain his memory faster here. But Jensen was more and more uncomfortable around him so it really didn’t surprise him when he left. That didn’t stop it from hurting.

It. . .Jared felt more despair now than when he thought Jensen had died. Because he had found out he was alive and all of the love and hope he had rose again to the surface after he had buried it. Now he was raw, like a bleeding wound that wouldn’t ever get better. Jensen was somewhere, trying to get on with his life, without Jared.

He coughed and washed his face off. He needed to go into work today. They had decided to take a hiatus, everyone hoping that Jensen would regain his memory. Kripke was being cool about the whole thing and not flipping out like he had when Jared had told him Jensen was dead. Sera was trying to write a couple Sam-centric episodes using footage of Jensen that they had already filmed. But Eric had told Jared to take a couple weeks and pull himself together because it was plain for anyone to see he was falling apart.

His throat closed with unshed tears as he stepped into the trailer that he and Jensen had shared on the lot. Dean’s coat was tossed in the corner where Jensen had left it after their last shoot. Deciding he could do this, he picked up the jacket and other things that belonged to the props department. He did not cry when he dropped everything off. He noticed the looks that people exchanged around him but he didn’t have the energy to care.

“Jared?” it was Jim Beaver and Jared just looked up at him. “Heard that Jensen went home for a stretch. It’ll do him good to be around family.” When Jared didn’t reply Jim asked him, “Is the rumor true then?”

Jared nodded not even asking what rumor, he turned away to go get in his car and leave.

“Nothing?” Jim asked and it was like someone hitting him with a stick. He had managed to hold it together for so long today and this was it.

“No, nothing. Nothing about the past ten years. Nothing about Supernatural. Nothing about us!” Jared voice got steadily louder until he was yelling at a man who had been nothing but kind to him. “Sorry,” he said. “Gotta go.”

“Jared, wait,” Jim called after him. “I’m sorry too.”

Jared nodded and kept walking trying to see through the tears. Getting to his car, he got in and drove off.

A couple of weeks later there was a knock on his door. Jared stumbled half sober out of bed, kicking garbage and bottles out of his way as he wandered towards the door. There was another knock and Jared called out that he was coming. Sadie thumped her tail on the couch as Jared walked past. He’d managed to walk his dogs and make sure they were fed and that was about it. He tossed a rotting hamburger into the garbage from the last time he had tried to eat, last week sometime.

The last person he expected to see was at his door, Jeffery Dean Morgan. “Jeff?” Jared peered out in the sunshine to the man on his porch. “What are you doing here?” Jared asked.

“Heard my friend was in trouble, so I came to help. You never answer your phone. Sandy, Jim, Tom, Mike, hell even Chad and me had a conference call. We decided to have someone come and check on you. I was the closest.” Jeff talked quietly to Jared and walked in as Jared stepped back.

“Dude, what’s going on?” Jeff asked after he got a look at Jared’s house.

“I can’t. . .” _live, breathe, function_ “be without him,” Jared said.

Jeff nodded in understanding and began to pick up. “When was the last time you ate?”

Jared shrugged and thought about food, it made him want to get sick. He gagged, and then rushed to the bathroom; dry heaving into the toilet. When he stood up the world seemed to spin around him and he could feel himself start to fall. All he could think was that it was going to hurt when he hit and then Jeff was there.

“Come on, man. Jared, wake up.”

Jared opened his eyes and regretted it immediately, pain shooting through his head.

“Can you get up? If you can’t, I’m calling an ambulance.” Jeff saying that had Jared slowly struggling to his feet. His head was killing him. It throbbed as Jeff wrapped an arm around Jared’s waist and Jared leaned into Jeff absorbing the touch. He had always been a person who needed touch. He touched everyone, all the time. Now he touched no one and no one touched him.

Jeff helped Jared into bed and picked up in the bedroom. “I’m pouring the rest of the beer out. I’ll be back with some soup,” he told Jared before he left. Jared could hear him on the phone.

“Not good. . .lost a lot of weight. . .not eating. . .can you come and stay for a while? I’ll be here.” As Jeff talked Jared could hear the hiss of his beer being opened and then poured down the drain but he couldn’t find the energy to care.

“I’ll be right back,” Jeff said as he stuck his head into Jared’s bedroom and then he left returning after a bit. He brought a bowl of chicken soup into Jared’s bedroom and for the first time since this nightmare had started, Jared felt like eating, a little.

Jeff talked about his work, about living in LA, and about his dog. He told story after story and Jared listened. Looking down he realized he had finished the soup. Jeff took the bowl out of his hands and cleaned up where Jared had spilled because of his shaking hands. “Bath, I think,” Jeff said after taking the bowl to the kitchen.

Jared was suddenly very aware of how he smelled and he stank. Struggling to his feet he stood swaying. Jeff didn’t say anything just followed him to the bathroom a guiding hand in the middle of his back. Jared started to struggle with his t-shirt and Jeff was there helping him get undressed. He couldn’t even summon the energy to be embarrassed as Jeff helped him out of his pants. Jeff started the bath water then helped Jared get in. He leaned back with his head on the edge of the tub, Jeff standing over him looking worried.

Jeff left and after a bit he came back and shut off the water, Jared relaxed, not thinking just enjoying the feeling of the warm water surrounding him. He could hear Jeff start a load of laundry and he stuck his head in the bathroom.

“Sorry Jared, where are your sheets?”

“Top shelf, linen closet, end of the hall,” Jared told him without opening his eyes. Jensen used to tease him telling him that the reason Jared had the sheets up so high was so that Jared could be the only one to make the bed. Jared couldn’t help it if he liked his bed made in the morning, Jensen always told him that it didn’t matter they were just going to mess it up again later. The sound of one tear hitting the water made him realize he was crying.

Jeff was running the vacuum cleaner and Jared was happy that he was busy and wouldn’t be walking in on him. The man had already seen just how weak he was, Jared didn’t need Jeff to see him crying. However, it was as if because he had been shown kindness that he didn’t feel he deserved he couldn’t stop. Jeff stepped back into the bathroom and ignored his tears, how sunken his stomach was, how his ribs stood out in stark relief, and just helped him to wash his hair. Once again talking about random things that happened to him in Los Angeles, he rinsed Jared off and helped him out of the tub.

Wrapping him in a towel, Jeff led Jared back to his bedroom that now had the window open to air it out. Jared shivered and let Jeff help him into clean sweats and then back into bed. Jared curled up in the clean sheets and rested his damp head on the pillow.

“Sadie and Harley,” Jared said, worried about his dogs.

“Got ‘em Jared, it okay.”

“Tired.”

“Sleep then. I’ll be here when you wake up,” Jeff said.

“’nk you,” Jared got out.

“No problem,” Jeff said and while Jared didn’t believe him he sank into his first good sleep in a while.

******

Jensen opened the door to the slightly familiar man. “Mom said you were coming to talk to me?”

“Jeff,” the guy stuck his hand out.

“Jensen,” Jensen said automatically.

“I know,” Jeff said. “I came to talk to you about Jared.”

It was then that Jensen recognized him. “You were in that picture. The one of. . .” Jensen’s voice trailed off.

“Yeah you and Jared getting married,” Jeff said plainly and Jensen hushed him his mom was in the other room.

“You and Jared what?” Donna Ackles walked into the living room. “Oh hello Jeff, you finally made it, did you?”

“Yes,” Jeff said and went to take his mom’s hand. “Beautiful as always,” he kissed her hand and Jensen watched his mother blush.

“Stop it, you know I’m a married woman,” she said, and Jensen couldn’t stop looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Ah Donna, you break my heart again,” Jeff said, and clutched his chest dramatically. Both him and his mom laughed and Jensen relaxed a little as they teased each other. “I came to talk to Jensen, here. Do you mind?” Jeff indicated he meant privately.

“No, I need to go shopping anyway. I’ll take Mac with me. Allen’s at work, he’ll be home around five,” Donna told the both of them. Jensen looked at the clock it was just past one.

“I googled you. Hell I googled my whole life, after I figured out what googling was” Jensen said to Jeff after his mom left. He walked to the kitchen Jeff trailing after him.

Jeff laughed. “I can just imagine.”

“Actually, you can’t,” Jensen said as he sat down on one of the bar stools.

Jeff sobered instantly. “You’re right. I can’t. But you can’t solve anything by hiding out here.”

“I’m not hiding,” Jensen declared, straightening in his seat.

“What would you call it? Even if you don’t remember, the man you love is being eaten away with sorrow and guilt. He blames himself completely.”

“That’s crazy, he saved me. The doctors said so. My parents said so.”

“Is it over between you two? Can you say that you don’t at least want to try and find out why you loved him enough to marry him? Please, Jensen. I know you don’t remember me or him but he’s your best friend and he’s losing it,” Jeff said quietly.

“It’s weird, the internet,” Jensen said seeming to change the subject. “I found out about you and Jared, Chris and Tom, Sandy and Danneel. I seem to be regarded as somewhat of a flirt, ladies man." Jensen's voice got louder until he was finally yelling. “Jared was engaged! What about all my friends? Where are they?”

“Everyone was told to leave you alone. I am breaking my word to Jared just to talk to you. You know what? You may never get your memories back. But I am telling you, from my heart, I never saw anyone as in love as you and him. It was the love of a lifetime, hell of many lifetimes. I’ve never seen two people who just clicked on more levels automatically than you two.” Jeff stood up and Jensen followed.

“Here is your phone number, your address, and a picture of your husband. You wanna throw that away it’s up to you. I said what I came here to say.” Jeff picked his jacket up from where he had set it on the back of the couch.

“Wait,” Jensen said. “I. . .it’s just that I. . .I never admitted that I liked guys. It’s hard for me to understand that I would do something that goes against everything I was raised to believe.”

“Love makes us all do funny things,” Jeff said, giving him a half smile. “Let him know what you decide. He deserves that much, he’s waiting for you.” Jeff nodded at the picture in his hand. Jensen looked down and when he looked back up Jeff was gone.

Love. He sat on the porch swing the smell of spring filling his nose. Looking at the picture of Jared, Jensen could feel something tickling at his brain. He closed his eyes and had a flash of large hands protecting him, cherishing him, making him feel safe. Breathing deeply he relaxed, every other time he thought he might be remembering he had tensed up and tried to remember more. This was different. Memories of feelings, smells, sounds but nothing concrete, just an overwhelming feeling of love.

He had been lost here at his parent’s home. Fighting to remember anything he just kept drawing blanks. He watched every episode of every program he had ever been in and it was like watching someone else, a twin or something. He had no connections to any of the characters or the people he had worked with. Even watching Supernatural left him feeling sorry for Dean and Sam but he had no connection to the characters. He wondered if he could still act. It had been his ambition since he was young, he was so shy when he wasn’t on stage.

Did he want to risk looking like a fool? Did he want to admit that he was attracted to Jared? He was hot and funny and kind and Jared would give the old him looks that had him blushing to think that someone recorded it on film. Mom and Dad apparently still thought they were just friends. It was plain as day to him what was going on but apparently they missed it. Had he been scared they wouldn’t love him if he told them about Jared?

Getting up he went into the house, going straight to his bedroom he started packing. He had his bags sitting on the porch when his dad drove up. Alan took a look at Jensen and at his bags. “Going home are you?”

Wondering how his dad could do that, just see to the heart of the matter, he nodded. “I loved him, Dad. I’ve got to see if I still can.” He half flinched waiting for a response.

“Good for you, son,” Alan Ackles said and Jensen stared at him, his mouth hanging open. “Shut your mouth before you catch flies. Only a blind person wouldn’t see how much you loved each other and I had a long talk with your mother. Love is a good thing.” He shrugged like he didn’t know just how upside down he had turned Jensen’s view of his parents, of his world.

“Your sister had a very nice girlfriend, and now she has a very nice boyfriend. The world changes, sometimes a person needs to pick his battles and this isn’t one I’m willing to see my family torn up about. I love you. I’m proud of you. The man you were and the man you are now.” Alan turned as a cab pulled up in front of the house.

“Your mom will be sad she didn’t get to say goodbye. Call us when you get to Vancouver.”

Jensen nodded and picked up his bags, his dad following him out to the cab. “Give Jared our love,” Alan said. “Give it time, son. It takes work but I know if you want something you go for it.” He gave Jensen a wink and a smile. Patting the cab on the roof, he turned and walked back towards the house. Jensen stared back long after the house was too far back to see.

The ride was quiet, Jensen thinking and the cab driver just driving. “So, who’s Jared?” the cabbie asked as they got near to the airport, probably trying for a better tip.

“My husband,” Jensen said almost as if his mouth and brain had a disconnect. The cabbie slammed on the breaks so hard that Jensen was thrown into the plastic partition.

“Out,” the guy said.

“What?” Jensen asked confused.

“Read the sign in front of you and then get out you fucking faggot,” the cab driver growled and Jensen read. ‘We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.’ Jensen felt fear start to bubble in his stomach. He grabbed his bags and slinging his carry on over his shoulder he started walking. He was terrified that the cabbie would get some friends and come back for him. He walked quicker. A small station wagon pulled over in front of him.

“You catching a flight?” A woman asked him, looking at his bags.

“Yeah,” Jensen said.

“Get in,” she said and Jensen started to decline. She stopped him. “I’m Gillian. I am going to meet my fiancé who has been in Afghanistan for the past two years.” Another thing that Jensen didn’t remember but he had read a lot about the ‘war on terror’. “I’m nervous and being by myself isn’t good. At least you can keep me company to the airport.”

Jensen gave in and put his bags in the back seat before sitting in the passenger’s seat. Gillian talked the whole time, talking about how she and her guy had met and fallen in love but her parents thought she was too young and he was too rough for her. She had been writing him every day for the past two years. He had come home for leave last year and she had said yes when he asked her to marry him. She was going to college to be an actuary. Risk management was suddenly really hot and she was determined to succeed. Jensen knew how she felt.

Figuring out which airline Jensen was taking she stopped outside the doors that were closest. “Jensen,” he said and held his hand out to her.

She blushed. “I know who you are. I’m not sure why you were walking but I figured you didn’t need me gushing all over how much I love your acting and stuff.”

Jensen was a bit surprised at her kindness. He asked her if she’d like something. She nodded and dug in her purse. “Could you just sign this?”

Taking the paper Jensen scrawled words across the paper and signed his name. _To Gillian, follow your dreams. Love, Jensen Ackles._ She blushed again and waved him off.

Jensen picked up his bags and went into the airport. His life sure was strange. In a daze he checked in, went through security, and soon was seated on his flight. It wasn’t until he was halfway there that he realized he hadn’t called Jared. No one knew he was coming.

He couldn’t call until they landed so he just tried to relax, and failed miserably.

********

Jared heard the phone ring with Jensen’s tone and he couldn’t believe it. He woke up from a sound sleep and thought that he had been dreaming. Even after looking at the caller ID he still didn’t believe it. “Hello?” He finally answered.

There was a long silence and then he heard Jensen’s voice. “Jared?”

“Yeah,” Jared said trying to keep things casual. Trying like hell not to get his hopes up. But it was Jensen! On the phone!

“I’m at the airport. Can you come and pick me up?”

“Oh god, yes. Hold on. I need to get. . .I’ll be there in a few. Wait, where are you at?”

“I’ll be outside the international area. I need to tell you. . .” Jensen’s voice sounded tinny and far away.

“Dude, I’ll be there. Tell me then.” He hung up and then yelled out. “SANDY!”

His ex-fiancé and best friend stumbled out of the spare bedroom. “Jared, it’s three in the morning.”

“It’s Jensen,” he said.

“Oh my god, is something wrong?”

“No, he’s at the airport. He’s come home. Sandy. . .” Jared couldn’t continue because he was suddenly crying. He hadn’t even let himself hope that Jensen would want to have anything to do with him. “I’ve got to go. Where are my keys?”

“By the door where they always are,” Sandy said after giving him a hug. “You might want to get dressed first.”

Jared looked down and realized he was naked. “Fuck,” he said and Sandy laughed.

“I think I should drive. Go on, get dressed,” she said and pushed him towards his room. Sandy, Jeff, Jim, even Tom who was Jensen’s friend more than his, had been taking turns staying with him. He could still go in his room and try and tune out the world but he was no longer looking at it through an alcoholic haze. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve such good friends.

Jensen. His thoughts whirled. “Jared,” Sandy sounded exasperated and Jared realized he was standing in his bedroom, pants in his hands and lost in thought.

Once he got dressed, Jared was in the car and before his butt hit the seat, Sandy was backing out of the driveway. They made good time to the airport and Jared felt his stomach clench with worry until he spotted Jensen leaning against a pole, bags piled around his feet. Sandy barely got the car into park and he was bounding out of it, or trying to. Forgetting to undo his seatbelt, he nearly strangled himself before Sandy pushed the button and freed him.

“Jensen,” Jared said.

“Jared,” Jensen said.

“Sandy,” Sandy said and laughed at the look they gave her. “What? Come on, you can talk at home.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said and Jared picked up all of his bags. “I can get at least one, I’m not an invalid anymore,” he said firmly.

“Of course you’re not. I didn’t mean… I just wanted to…”

“Jared put the bags in the car, he’s teasing you,” Sandy told him. Jared looked for a moment between Sandy and Jensen before he took the bags and put them in the trunk. Holding the door open for Jensen he had a flashback of their first real date.

 _“I should be holding the door for you. You’re the girl in this relationship,” Jensen teased him. Jared smiled trying not to show how nervous he was._

 _“This relationship?” He asked casually._

 _“Well you might have suggested that we go out to eat, together and that. . .how did you put it? Oh yeah. . .That it wasn’t a date. Dude, it’s a date.”_

 _Jared might have blushed but it was dark so no one could see. “I’m not a girl.”_

 _“Well, god I hope not. How can I suck your dick later if you don’t have one?” Jensen said with a wink and got into the car. Jared stood gaping at him. He had kind of asked Jensen out to maybe feel him out about if he would consider going out with him. Working on how to ask and not ask so that if the answer was negative that he could laugh and hopefully Jensen would have just thought it was a joke._

 _But it seemed that wasn’t necessary. Unless, he was just jerking Jared’s chain, trying to get him to react. Jared considered the possibility as they walked into the pizza place. Ordering a large combo with a pitcher of beer, the found a table and relaxed. It was dark and Jared felt Jensen’s foot sliding up and down his leg. He raised an eyebrow at Jensen but otherwise didn’t react. Jensen of course took it as a challenge._

They had made out that night on Jared’s couch. Jensen had been hesitant to take whatever was between them any farther even though he had been teasing Jared. So Jared just attacked him a few days later. He had ended that day with a cock in his ass and a smile on his face. He and Jensen had been together since then. Jared shook out of his reverie when Sandy yelled at him. Getting in, he shut the door behind him.

Jensen was here. He could barely stop himself from bouncing around instead his leg moved up and down in a rapid staccato until Jensen apparently could take it no longer and put his hand on Jared’s leg to still it. Jared felt like he was jumping out of his skin. He didn’t know what to say, afraid that anything he said would just drive Jensen away.

“Catch up on things, while you were away?” Sandy asked from the front seat.

“If you are asking me if I regained my memory, no I didn’t. However, I did do a lot of research. The internet is pretty amazing,” Jensen said. “It’s interesting what you find when you google yourself.”

Jared blushed. There was a ton of stuff out there on the net about how he and Jensen were lovers. Stories about what they did to each other.

“Sandy?” Jensen asked him quietly nodding to the dark haired woman driving the car. It was then Jared realized he hadn’t introduced them or anything.

“She’s been staying in the guest room. A lot of people have. I woke her up when you called and she decided that I wasn’t in any condition to drive.” Jared’s leg began bouncing again. The closer they got to home the more nervous he became.

 

Sandy pulled into the driveway and shut the car off. “I’m going to go and grab a few things. I’ll get a hotel room for a few of days.” She shut Jared up with a look when he began to protest. “You need space and time to get used to one another. I’d just be in the way.”

He tried to point out that it was past four in the morning but she was stubborn in a way that made rocks look soft. After getting Jensen’s bags in the house, Sandy stopped Jared. “He doesn’t remember. You might have to woo him. Just go slow,” she said in response to Jared’s look. “You’ve known for years now that you love him. He doesn’t have that. Make new memories. He’s here. That’s got to be a good sign, right?”

Jared didn’t know what to say to that so he hugged her tight. “Thank you,” he whispered into her hair, his voice almost breaking. Both of their eyes might have been filled with tears when she stepped back. He watched her get in the car and stood on the porch after the tail lights had disappeared down the road. Turning around he saw Jensen watching him from the open door.

“Coffee?” Jared offered.

“Sure,” Jensen said.

Standing in his kitchen he could hardly believe that Jensen was here. He fixed a pot of coffee, pouring both of them a cup, then went and sat down at the table where Jensen already was. Putting two spoonful of sugar in his and one in Jensen’s automatically, Jared stirred it before sliding the cup across to Jensen. Jensen sat there looking at his cup and Jared realized what he’d done.

“Sorry,” he said reaching out to take the cup back.

“No, that’s right,” Jensen said. “I guess I need to get used to you knowing things about me.”

“You wanna know something about me?” Jared asked.

“Sure,” Jensen said and took a drink of his coffee. He seemed to think for a bit. “Tell me about how you became an actor.”

“All right,” Jared said and launched into his story. A couple of hours later and they were both yawning broadly. “You should sleep,” Jensen told Jared. Jared was half afraid that if he fell asleep Jensen would be gone again. He had touched on his breakdown when they had been talking but he felt uncomfortable and embarrassed with just how completely he had fallen apart.

Jensen apparently could read the mildly panicked look on Jared’s face. “You’re afraid I’m going to leave,” he said plainly. When Jensen said it, it sounded kind of silly but that didn’t make his fear go away.

He swallowed. “Yeah, it’s like a dream and if I go to sleep. . .When I wake up, you’ll be gone.”

Giving him a half smile, Jensen stood and held his hand out to Jared. Jared looked at it and up at Jensen. “I’ll stay with you. Just to sleep but you're exhausted, so come on,” Jensen said.

Jared took his hand and they walked down the hall to his room. It felt like he was in a dream, kind of floating. Watching as Jensen opened the door to their. . .Jared’s room it was more than he had ever dared hope for.

The next day Jensen asked about work. Jared went and dug out the most recent script. “You wanna read with me?” Jared asked Jensen.

“Sure,” Jensen said.

It was awkward and hard at first, but slowly Jensen loosened up and read his lines more like Dean. They took a break at lunch time and then worked the afternoon through except to walk the dogs. Jared noticed everything that Jensen did. It was like his body remembered being Dean even if he didn’t. They got up and acted out a scene and Jensen did things that only Dean did. There was this way Dean had of looking at Sam that was a bit loving and a bit condescending that was pure Dean.

Jared smiled at Jensen.

“What?”

“That was really good,” Jared said.

“Thank you,” Jensen said and leaned and kissed him.

Jared held still. Letting Jensen kiss him, he parted his lips when Jensen didn’t pull back immediately. Jensen’s tongue touched his lips and Jared swallowed a moan. Realizing he was holding his breath, Jared let it out as Jensen pulled back. Their lips parted and then came back together and Jared gave up on holding back. He pulled Jensen to him almost onto his lap. Wrapping his long fingers around the side of Jensen’s head he let his lips and tongue taste what he had been longing for. When he finally pulled back Jensen looked a bit dazed.

“Sorry,” Jared said.

“Why? I’m not,” Jensen said and it was all Jared could do not to pull him down into another kiss. Instead he let Jensen go. He wanted to do this right. Sandy had said to woo him. He couldn’t do that if he took him to bed.

“Moving too fast,” Jared said and stood up. While fixing dinner together he asked Jensen to get the spaghetti bowl out and Jensen did. It took a few moments for Jared to realize something was wrong. Jensen had set the bowl on the counter and was looking at it like it was a cotton mouth or something.

“What?” Jared asked and Jensen’s gaze flicked to him and then back to the bowl. Okay, it was seriously starting to weird Jared out. “What?”

“How. . .I don’t know how. . .fuck,” Jensen said.

“Clear and concise,” Jared teased. “Really, what?”

Jensen pointed at the bowl. Jared looked at it. Yep it was the spaghetti bowl. Then he realized he hadn’t told Jensen where it was. Jensen remembered something. Jared smiled his biggest smile.

Shaking his head, Jensen backed up. “No, I don’t. . .I didn’t. . .” Jensen looked like he wanted to run. Jared put his hands up.

“It’s okay. We used to do this all the time. Maybe your body remembered even though your brain can’t. It’s okay, Jen,” Jared spoke quietly and calmly.

Jensen seemed to relax a little. “Yeah, okay.”

“Good,” Jared said. “You hungry?” Jensen’s stomach growled in response. Jared grinned. “I’ll just take that as a yes.”

They sat and ate, Jared prompting Jensen to ask questions about him, them, their life. Jared found a bottle of wine in the back of a cupboard and he offered Jensen some. They moved to the living room both of them sitting on the couch. Jared wanted to touch Jensen, to smell him. He let his fingers play with the back of the couch, his arm reaching towards Jensen.

After their second glass of wine, Jared talked Jensen into playing video games with him. They sat, Jared’s hip up against Jensen’s. Jensen didn’t remember how to play so Jared showed him. They were playing _Gran Turismo_ and Jensen finally out-raced Jared. Jensen laughed in Jared's face, Jared laughing along with him.

Their eyes met and Jared felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t look away. Jensen leaned in and closed the gap between them. Lips meeting and then coming apart. Jared’s breath rushed out of him. “Jensen,” he said trying to keep the neediness from his voice.

“Mmmm?” Jensen looked up at Jared.

“I want. . .”

“Me too,” Jensen said.

Jared pulled back to look at Jensen. “I don’t want to rush this,” he said.

“It’s a good thing you’re not then,” Jensen said leaning back in for another kiss. “I am.”

“But. . .but,” Jared said trying to hold onto his self control.

“Show me, remind me how you love me.”

Jared groaned and he pulled Jensen to him, his hands framing Jensen’s face. Kissing him slowly and deeply as Jensen parted his lips and let Jared in. Tongues touched and played against each other, Jared leading and then Jensen taking over. Jared couldn’t stop his hands from reaching under Jensen’s shirt and running across the hot skin they found there. He wanted to go quicker and to make this moment last forever. Jensen smelled so good it made Jared want to cry. Jensen was here, letting him touch him, love him.

Jared had a thought and he pulled back again leaving Jensen looking slightly dazed. “Why?” he asked.

“Why what?” Jensen said.

“Why are you here? Why are you doing this, if you don’t remember me? Is it some experiment?” Jared took a breath. “I love you. If this is some game, trial, if you’d like, I’m not. . .I can’t. . .”

Jensen put his finger over Jared’s mouth. “I remembered something when I was in Texas. I remembered these hands,” Jensen said as he reached out and took Jared’s hands. “Loving me, holding me, making me feel safe and cherished. I want that.” He took a deep breath. “I want to. . .”

Jared waited. “You want to?” he prompted when Jensen didn’t go on.

“You are kind and funny. I know I can’t offer you what we had before. But I want to know you, to know this.” Jensen put his hand on Jared chest.

Jared felt like he was going to faint. There was no way he had just heard Jensen, this Jensen who claimed he wasn’t gay, just tell him that he wanted to try. Could Jared handle trying? Fuck yeah, his libido kicked in its opinion. But he didn’t want to listen to his libido he wanted to listen to his heart that had been so battered. What if Jensen found he couldn’t love him? What if he found he couldn’t love Jensen? That was a long shot but he had to consider it.

When Jared didn’t respond Jensen started to withdraw his hand, Jared grabbed it. “I don’t want to be some experiment to see if you’re gay. I love you and you can’t just fuck around with that. When,” Jared swallowed he couldn’t believe he was going to say this, “when you left before, it almost killed me. I don’t think. . .”

Jensen put his other hand against Jared’s mouth. “I want to stay. Let me?” he asked and moved close to Jared again, pushing him back and crawling onto his lap.

“Jen,” Jared groaned and then Jensen was kissing him. Lips parted, teeth bumped, it was messy and just plain wonderful. Jensen kissed down his jaw, bit his ear and sucked on that sensitive spot behind it. Jared nearly bucked Jensen off. Jensen moved and put his hand down on Jared’s jean covered cock.

Jared pulled Jensen off of his lap and down on the couch. “Drove me crazy, missing you, longing for you,” Jared murmured as he tugged Jensen’s shirt off and then removed his own. “Want you, love you, taste you,” Jared kept up a steady flow of words as he kissed Jensen’s stomach.

“Are you gonna shut up and do something, or what?” Jensen finally asked after Jared murmured some more into his skin.

Jared smiled up at Jensen. “Or what,” he said and unbuttoned Jensen’s jeans. Jensen lifted his hip and let out a sigh as Jared took them off. Stopping Jared looked at Jensen. “We don’t have to. . . **You,** don’t have to do this. Any of it.”

“You mean sex?” Jensen asked. “It’s true I don’t remember being with you but with the memories I have I am hardly a virgin.” Jensen pulled Jared up so that he lay between Jensen’s legs. He kissed Jared mouth open, tongue playing against Jared’s. “Give me new memories.”

Jared wrapped his hands around Jensen’s head and kissed him, thoroughly and completely. Jensen kissed him back and Jared broke the kiss when he realized he was rutting against Jensen. Reaching between them Jensen pulled at Jared’s jeans.

Jared blushed and got up. “You want to go to the bedroom?” As he asked he wondered if it was the wrong thing but then Jensen smiled.

“Sure,” he said.

Jared held his hand out and helped Jensen up. Jensen stood seemingly at home in just his underwear and he walked down the hall, past his room to Jared’s. Cocking his head, Jared looked at Jensen. Did he really want to do this? The half lidded look that Jensen gave Jared and the obvious hard on that he was sporting said yes he did.

Walking into his room, their room, with Jensen and it was suddenly real. Jared felt like a virgin again, scared of screwing up and doing something wrong. Jensen was the one who walked over to Jared. The one who while kissing him, quickly undid his pants. It didn’t take much of a push to get them to the ground.

Leaning down a little bit, Jared stopped right before kissing Jensen. “I want your cock in me,” he said. “I want you to fuck me so hard I can’t see straight. I want to suck you, lick you and then have you stick that big cock in my ass. You want to do that?” It seemed that Jensen still responded to dirty talk, Jared mused as he was pushed back on the bed.

Jared’s underwear was pulled down and his erection was up and out there. Jensen gave him a naughty smile and then deep throated him. All the way down. Jared almost came right there. Jensen backed off and Jared could feel his cock down the inside of Jensen’s throat. He had stopped breathing again. He still could surprise him. Jensen hadn’t been able to take him all in before.

“When. . .where?” Jared tried to ask a coherent question.

Jensen came off of his cock with a pop. “The internet is an amazing thing,” Jensen said and Jared laughed. Threw his head back and laughed from his belly.

Jensen crawled up into bed with him. He'd lost his underwear at some point that Jared had not been aware of. “Good then?”

“Fucking fantastic,” Jared said. “Here, let me show you.” He moved so he could touch Jensen, his hand roving over his chest and stomach, dipping lower and squeezing his thighs. He kissed down Jensen’s chest tonguing one nipple then the other. Jensen gave him a breathy moan when Jared bit down on one. Moving lower to Jensen’s stomach, Jared kissed and nibbled his way down his abs.

Twirling his tongue around Jensen’s belly button and reached down and wrapped his hand around Jensen’s cock. Jensen thrust up into his hand. Jared smiled as he kissed his way closer to Jensen’s cock. Jensen making little whining noises that just turned Jared on more. Licking around the head of his dick, Jared slowly took Jensen into his mouth. Jensen was begging by the time Jared had him fully engulfed. Backing off and managing not to gag as Jensen’s cock came out of his throat, Jared smiled up at Jensen. He moved down sucking one of Jensen’s balls into his mouth, licking at the skin that covered it. Then he gave the other one the same attention. Licking and sucking until he came off with a small pop.

Jensen lifted his head and looked down at Jared. Jared could hardly see any of the green, Jensen’s pupils were so big. Moving, Jared grabbed the lube and a condom, from the bedside table drawer. “I want your cock in me,” Jared murmured as he rolled the condom down over Jensen’s dick. “You wanna fuck me Jen?” Jared asked as he ran a hand slick with lube up and down over the condom-clad cock.

“Yeah but I. . .” Jensen seemed hesitant.

Jared understood. “How about,” he moved to straddle Jensen, “you lay here and let me do all the work?”

Jensen started to say something but Jared positioned Jensen’s hard cock at his hole and slowly sank down. Jensen shut up, so completely that Jared stopped with Jensen half way inside him. Looking down, Jared put a hand on Jensen’s chest and felt the familiar beat. Groaning, Jensen pushed upwards into Jared burying himself to the hilt.

“Fuck yeah,” Jared said and began to move. Jensen’s cock sliding in and out of him as he leaned down to kiss Jensen. “Give it to me. Fuck me hard.” Jared knew he wasn’t going to last long, he had dreamed of this for so long that he couldn’t believe it was really happening. Jensen took Jared at his word and grabbing his hips he fucked up into Jared.

“Jen, come for me,” Jared said just as the tension in his balls peaked. Jensen pushed up into Jared a couple of times almost stutteringly. Feeling Jensen’s cock throbbing in his ass tipped Jared over into his own orgasm, come shooting between them, thick globs peppering Jensen’s chest and stomach. Jared leaned down pressing the warm slickness between them and kissed Jensen, a long and deep kiss that Jared put his heart and soul into.

Jared helped Jensen up and they moved to the bathroom. Jensen tossed the used condom away and Jared started the shower. Pulling Jensen in with him, Jared washed the come off of both of them. He could feel the sting in his ass but it was a good hurt. Leaning over Jensen with the water cascading around them, Jared told Jensen he was amazing and Jensen grinned his cocky grin that had Jared laughing again.

“Not bad for a first time, huh?” Jensen said.

“Not bad at all,” Jared said trying not to choke on the tears that were suddenly filling his eyes.

Jensen leaned in and wrapped his arms around Jared, pulling him close -- not saying anything but just holding Jared. Something inside Jared broke and he started crying. By the end Jensen was mostly holding him up as he sobbed into his shoulder. It was. . .everything. He was happy that Jensen was here with him, he was sad that Jensen didn’t remember, couldn’t remember all the times they had been together. Finally he pulled himself together and apologized to Jensen.

“So, it was that horrible?” Jensen joked and Jared’s head came up shaking until he realized that Jensen was teasing him.

“Next time,” Jensen said as he shut the water off, getting out he handed a towel to Jared.

“Next time?” Jared prompted when Jensen didn’t go on.

“I think I want you to fuck me. You looked like you were having way more fun than I was,” Jensen said with a smile. Jared leaned in close and whispered in Jensen’s ear.

“Next time, I’ll make love to you,” he said his lips brushing Jensen’s cheek before he caught his lips in a kiss.

“Sounds good to me,” Jensen said, words punctuated by kisses.

*******

Jensen led them back to _their_ bedroom and finding a pair of his sweats, they had to be his because there was no way Jared was ever going to get into them, Jensen crawled into bed. When Jared slid in behind him and wrapped an arm around his waist, it felt good. He felt loved, cherished, and safe. He didn’t know if he would ever get his memory back but he got Jared and that was more than enough.


End file.
